Vinny: I object to this witness being called at this time. We've been given no prior notice he'd testify. No discovery of any tests he's conducted or reports he's prepared. And as the court is aware, the defense is entitled to advance notice of any witness who will testify, particularly those who will give scientific evidence, so that we may properly prepare for cross-examination, as well as give the defense an opportunity to have the witness's reports reviewed by a defense expert, who might then be in a position to contradict the veracity of his conclusions.
Judge Chamberlain Haller: Mr. Gambini?
Vinny: Yes sir?
Judge Chamberlain Haller: Mr. Gambini, that is a cogent, well thought-out, intelligent objection. Overruled
Vinny: Hey Stan, you're in Ala-Fuckin-Bama. You come from New York. You killed a good old boy. There is no way this is not going to trial.
Vinny Gambini: I understand you played a game of pool with Lisa for four hundred dollars, which she won. I'm here to collect.
J.T.: How 'bout I just kick your ass.
Vinny Gambini: Oh a counter offer. That's what we lawyers, I'm a lawyer... we lawyers call that a counter offer. This is a tough decision you give me here. Get my ass kicked or collect two hundred dollars. I could use a good ass-kickin', I'll be perfectly honest with you... nah, I think I'll just go with the two hundred.
J.T.: Over my dead body.
Vinny Gambini: You like to renegotiate as you go along, don't you? Well here's my counter offer... do I have to kill you? What if I were just to kick the ever loving shit out of you?
J.T.: YOU kick the shit outta ME...in your dreams.
Vinny Gambini: Oh no no... in reality. If I kick the shit out of you, do I get the money?
Lisa: Imagine you're a deer. You're prancing around. You get thirsty. You spot a little brook. You put your little deer lips down to the clear water - BAM! A fuckin' bullet rips off part of your head! Your brains are lying on the ground in little bloody pieces. Now I ask you, do you give a fuck what kind of pants the son-of-a-bitch who shot you was wearing?!
Lisa: You think I'm hostile now? Wait 'til you see me tonight.
Vinny Gambini: I'd like permission to treat the witness as hostile, your honor.
Lisa: You think I'm hostile now, wait 'til you see me tonight.
Judge Chamberlain Haller: Do you two know each other?
Vinny Gambini: Yeah, she's my fiancée.
Judge Chamberlain Haller: Well, that would explain the hostility.
Vinny Gambini: What are you wearing?
Mona Lisa Vito: What?
Vinny Gambini: You look like a fuckin' tourist.
Mona Lisa Vito: What about you?
Vinny Gambini: I fit in better than you. At least I'm wearing cowboy boots.
Mona Lisa Vito: Oh yeah, you blend.
[
Vinny, still half-asleep, gives his opening statement to the jury.]
Vinny: Everything that guy says is bullshit.
[
Opening statements]
Vinny Gambini: Yeah, everything that guy just said is bullshit ... Thank you.
D.A. Jim Trotter: Objection.
Judge Chamberlain Haller: Sustained. Counselor's entire opening statement, with the exception of 'Thank you' will be stricken from the record.
Judge Chamberlain Haller: The next words out of your mouth better be guilty or not guilty. I don't want to hear commentary, argument, or opinion. If I hear anything other than guilty or not guilty, you'll be in contempt. I don't even want to hear you clear your throat. Now how do your clients plead?
Vinny Gambini: I think I get the point.
Judge Chamberlain Haller: No, I don't think you do.
Lisa: Vinny, you're going down in flames and you're bringing me with you.
Vinny Gambini: And?
Lisa: Well I hate to bring it up because I know you've got enough pressure on you already, but we agreed to get married as soon as you won your first case. Meanwhile TEN YEARS LATER, my niece, the daughter of my sister is getting married. My biological clock is TICKING LIKE THIS and the way this case is going, we ain't never getting married!
Vinny Gambini: Lisa, I don't need this. I swear to God, I don't need this right now, okay? I've got a judge that's just aching to throw me in jail. An idiot who wants to fight me for two hundred dollars. Slaughtered pigs. Giant loud whistles. I ain't slept in five days. I got no money, a dress code problem, AND a little murder case which in the balance holds the lives of two innocent kids. Not to mention your BIOLOGICAL CLOCK - my career, your life, our marriage, and let me see, what else can we pile on? Is there any more SHIT we can pile on to the top of the outcome of this case?! Is it possible?!
Vinny Gambini: Holy shit! THIS IS IT! THIS IS THE CASE CRACKER! ME IN THE SHOWER!
Vinny Gambini: I got thirty fucking minutes to take a shower, get a new suit, get dressed and get to the fucking courthouse.
Lisa: You fucking shower, I'll get your fucking suit.
Judge Chamberlain Haller: Mr. Gambini, didn't I tell you that the next time you appear in my court that you dress appropriately?
Vinny Gambini: You were serious about that?
Vinny Gambini: How could it take you 5 minutes to cook your grits when it takes the entire grit-eating world 20 minutes?
Mr. Tipton: Um...I'm a fast cook, I guess.
Vinny Gambini: You're a fast cook? Are we to believe that boiling water soaks into a grit faster in your kitchen than any place on the face of the earth?
Mr. Tipton: I don't know.
Vinny Gambini: Perhaps the laws of physics cease to exist on your stove! Were these magic grits? Did you buy them from the same guy who sold Jack his beanstalk beans?
Vinny: Look, it's either me or them. You're gettin' fucked one way or the other. Heh he.
[
Stan tries to get up]
Vinny: Hey, relax, I'm gonna help you.
Stan: Gee thanks!
Vinny: Excuse me, I think a modicum of gratitude would not be out of line here.
Stan: You think I should be grateful?
Vinny: Yeah, it's your ass, not mine. I think you should be grateful. I think you should be down on your fuckin' knees.
Stan: I didn't know it was such an honor to get a visit from you.
Vinny: I'm doing a favor, you know. You're gettin' me for nothing, you little fuck.
Stan: That's one hell of an ego you got.
Vinny: What the fuck is your problem? I did not come down here just to get jerked off.
Stan: I'm not jerking you off. I'm not doing anything.
Vinny: That's it. You're on your own. I'll just take care of Sleeping Beauty.
[
Wakes up Bill]
Bill: Vinny! Vinny bag'o donuts!
Vinny Gambini: How the fuck did I get into this shit?
Vinny: I'm doing a favor here. You're getting me for nothing, you little fuck.
Lisa: How's your Chinese food?
Vinny: You just keep asking about Chinese food. You gotta let everybody know you're a tourist?
Lisa: Yeah well what are you, a fucking world traveler?
Lisa: Breakfast?
Vinny: Ya think?
Bill: We should get tuna.
Stan: Please no more tuna.
Bill: It has protein, we need protein.
Stan: Beans have protein.
Bill: Beans make you fart.
Stan: We got a convertible.
