I don't have an attitude problem You have a perception problem.

If it isn't broken, fix it till it is.

I don't get even, I get odder.

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

I considered atheism but there weren't enough holidays.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.

I tease about drugs a lot, but in reality I take them seriously.

Me a skeptic? I hope you have proof.

I talk to myself because I like dealing with a better class of people.

I'll listen to logic and reason when it comes out on CD.

I am in shape. Round is a shape.

We've upped our standards, now up yours.

Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.

If I wanted to listen to an asshole I would have farted.

I'm so far behind I think I'm first.

Friends -- the people who stab ya in the front.

How's your wife and my kids?

Accidents don't just happen; they must be carelessly planned.

Sin - I didn't invent it - I'm only trying to perfect it!

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.

Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out?

Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again.

Just because I don't care doesn't meant I don't understand.

An optimist is simply a pessimist with no job experience.

If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what the hell was yesterday?

Misfortune: The kind of fortune that never misses.

If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings - including this one.

Anything free is worth what you pay for it.

People who think they know everything are the easiest to fool.

Celibacy is no hereditary.

If I knew what I was doing, it wouldn't be called "research".

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I will see a man who can't get his pants off!

Just because you're smart does not mean that the other guy is stupid.

Time is what keeps everything from happening to us all at once.

My heart is in the right place, I know, because I hid it there.

Tell me what you believe and I'll tell you where you're going wrong.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!

Am I getting smart with you?...how would you know?

Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

The truth is out there. So what are you doing here!

Clean, dependable, hard working...good god what kind of monster have I become!?!

Things always look better when you can't see them.

"Push to test." "Release to detonate."